so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
