We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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