I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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