Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize