I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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