Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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