if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
