Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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