Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize