I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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