shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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