Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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