hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
