I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
