I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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