and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
