Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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