i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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