he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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