Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
