R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
