we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
