fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
