my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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