I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Two words: nipple clamps
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