Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
