I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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