I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
