No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He better not be in your backpack
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I did not marry a roomba.
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