your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
sex in a hospital.. check
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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