We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
