My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
