i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
