I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
