he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize
