just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
