My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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