Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
