I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
