Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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