so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Holy sore nipples Batman
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
