The maid of honor just puked.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
