just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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