Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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