god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
