You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Shame - the story of my life.
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