I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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