How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
It's shark week go big or go home
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
