Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
