So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
