You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize