it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
