if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
