I bet he comes in French.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
