I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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