I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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