Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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