Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
It's Friday. Sex?
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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