so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
