The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
